The Ice will melt and Summer will bring the first sprouts

Ipod Nano

2008-03-24T02:51:17Z

Omg!!!!
I got a ipod nano!!!!!!
So happy!!!!!!!!!

Life can be such a bitch

2008-03-07T05:52:04Z

im so tired
ive been going through some emtional depressions and i have no motivation to do anything.

and if that wasn't bad enough, Jo's (a really big swim meet) is coming up and Im getting nervous.

Life can be such a bitch

Writer's Block: What? No Goodnight Kiss?

2008-03-07T05:43:32Z

What is the worst date you've ever been on?

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sadly, ive never been on one
really want to though

Three Little Pigs

2008-03-03T02:13:22Z

Hi!
I've updated on my ipod! Too bad i have a shuffle....
Buy Three Little Pigs by Green Jelly! You know you want to!

Weekend was pretty plain...

Writer's Block: Go Get 'Em?

2008-03-03T02:09:20Z

Are you a go-getter or do you wait for things to happen to you?

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I'm more of a wait and see person
ill try but if I don't get it, 'oh well' not a whole try to fight agains it person

STFU!!!

2008-03-01T05:20:46Z

Okay, I'm really pissed right now.
I broke the rules today by bringing my ipod to school. I did it because I needed to prove to myself that I could do something that the people I cared for didn't want me too. So I did it.
But, my bf Lauren went around telling people I brought my Ipod. It pissed me off so much I almost ended our friendship. She made it up for me by giving me a muffin from her cooking class.
And when Lauren was telling everybody, I told her to 'STFU'
This other kid said,
"Don't cuss, it's not cuss."
"I don't cuss because I think it's cool." I replied.
"Then why do you cuss?" I didn't answer because the teacher told us to be quiet.
I cuss because it's the way I let people know that I seriously am pissed off, unless I'm being sarcastic.
I know that I shouldn't do stuff like that, but with my emotional problems, I need to do stuff like that so I don't burst. But I think I've loosened a couple of the strings I use to keep my body under control. I hope I don't loosen them too much though.

Stuff that is killing me

2008-02-25T05:14:00Z

I haven't posted in a while...
For my pic, the stupidy of life is killing me.
Okay, other words, life sux.
I went to a dance recently and the only good thing was that I got to eat food.
One of my friends didn't come because she was caught slitting.
I am still trying to get over the fact that no one is going to bother to find me.
My swimming is slower than ever.
My French teacher threw a tantrum on Thursday cuz the popular people wouldn't shut up.
My French Teacher gave me a 0 on something and my Mom won't shut up about it.
I didn't go to the swim meet today and my coach won't be happy.
It's raining.
I feel guilty every time I go to church because I don't fully believe that god is there for me.
If god is out there, he certainly isn't helping me at the moment.

Okay, enough!
These are not even half of the things bothering me right now.
as you can see, my emotional problems are killing me.

People are like "You're not emo!"
Oh dude, you don't know the half of it.
Just because I look happy, because I laugh, because I don't dress in black and slit, doesn't mean I am not emotionally disturbed. Because I seriously am, and I'm doing my best to cure myself, but life isn't that easy.

Wish me luck...

Writer's Block: One Day to Live

2008-02-17T06:57:19Z

What would you do if you had one day left to live?

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I would spend the last day with the people I love. (My friends, family, etc.)

Writer's Block: Love Is...

2008-02-15T05:32:01Z

Who or what do you really love?

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I love mang and, my family and friends.

Sad...

2008-02-15T05:31:21Z

One of my friends at swimming told me something that makes me feel really bad.

Her friend had a sweatshirt around her neck. She was on a bunk bed and she fell off. The sweatshirt got caught on the bunk bed and she died.

She cried later when people were talking about it and I felt so bad. The only person who I remember who died is my great-grandfather so I have no idea how she felt.

There are 2 major reasons for this:
1. Sadly enough, I didn't know my great-grandfather that well. So, his death didn't make me feel so badly at loss. But that girl was my friend's really good friend so she must feel at great loss.

2. Also, my great-grandfather was old so when they're old, you don't feel so bad about them dying compared to a young person dying.
If an old person dies, they'll have less to regret. Maybe they'll regret not reconciling with someone, but my great-grandfather probably didn't. Or he migh have wanted to see more of his great-grandchildren, which is possible.
Now, when a young person dies, they probably hava a lot of regrets. Maybe they wished they could have gone to college, told their crush that they loved them, told their mom that they didn't hate her, see her older sibilings graduation, the list goes on and on.

I have considered suicide before, but now that I think about it, if I had commited suicide, wouldn't I leave someone crying like this? Wouldn't I regret that most of all? This encouraged my efforts to live. But I don't know, the chance is still there.

Writer's Block: 2008 Accomplishment

2008-02-13T03:55:12Z

What is your biggest accomplishment thus far in 2008?

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Getting a 1:14 in the 100 breaststroke!

Sick

2008-02-12T03:48:14Z

I'm sick.
I have a cold so I may not be able to update a ton...
And there's tons of idiot 'platics' around me too.

Good News and Bad News

2008-02-10T23:27:29Z

Ok, I've got bad news and good news.

Good News:
I finally got a 1:14 for my 100 breaststroke!!!! Finally!!!! It's been 2 years and I'm very happy!!! I'm going to get those others!!!!

Bad News:
My Sister found a magazine in my Dad's bag. My Dad was a Dad who always believed in me and was fair minded. Or so I thought. Supposedly, my Dad has a magazine in his bag called, 'Hot Housewives' with nudity. I'm really upset. My parents don't have the best relationship and this could really ruin my family if we're all not careful. I'm scared. I want to believe that one of his workers had it and he had just confiscated it, but you never know.

I'm praying that my family doesn't fall apart.

Writer's Block: Repeat After Me...

2008-02-10T23:20:14Z

How have people pronounced your name? How is it supposed to sound?

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Well, some people have said, 'Dee-ana' istead of 'Di-ana'
Other than that nothing big.

Shinobi High

2008-02-08T06:58:32Z

Hi people!
Here's a link to my most popular fanfiction:
Shinobi High
The beginning is bad because it was my first fanfic, but it got better as I kept on writing.
This is a High School Fic.
Yes, I know it's been overused, but I wanted to make one too so here it is.
If you like it then thanx ; )

OMG, A.N.T Super Uber Ninja Team Go! is so fuckin' funny! I love it!
My faves were Miguel and Grover.

Alone

2008-02-06T05:12:10Z

Yo!
Today was funny. My friend said that this boy who sits next to me in Science likes me. According to her, he looks at me all the time and he comments me. I know he comments me sometimes but my guy friends did as well, so I don't think much of it. This Valentine might be interesting. ; )

I'm doing better at swimming, not as much emo thoughts.

Today we celebrated Fat Tuesday. During French Class if you were wondering. I ate crepes and brownies! ^^ I got to wear purple, green, and gold. It was very fun!

I'm watching American Idol right now. The last kid was sad. I don't know, but I might eventually become like that. The lonliness he spoke of seemed so familiar sometimes, the feeling of having nobody to turn to. My Mom was saying if you feel lonley, then you should just go back. But it's not that easy. She called him an idiot, but I don't think he is. I think he just needed change, so he took actions. Unlike me, who can't take actions based on what I want. I always choosed depending on what others wanted. I've heard that doing for others will make you happy, but that's not true for me. Because then, I'm not fufilling anything that I want to do, which hurts me so bad. Seeing others where I wanted to be. But, it's even worse when I start to think, "Maybe everyone would be happier if I didn't exist." That brings suicide thoughts. But no, I'm not strong enough to even do that. It makes me feel so alone.

Writer's Block: Chinese New Year

2008-02-06T04:11:18Z

2008 is the Year of the Rat. Which animal year were you born in?

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Boar!!!
Boars are awesome!!!

Someday

2008-02-04T06:38:44Z

Hello Peoplez!
Today was my first playdate. It was okay. We pretty much played the WII all day. We played sports and Fire Emblem. But being the person who doesn't like video games that much, we didn't play that much. She would play while I searched and showed her stuff from the computer. It worked well.

My arm still hurts from the bowling...It's still very sore.

Okay, I was thinking and once I went to church and prayed. But sometimes, I don't know what to pray for anymore. Most of the time, I pray that no one else will have to feel the pain I feel. Other times, I pray for someone to find me. Of course, it iether didn't happen or the results weren't noticable. Someone tole me you have to pray for the right reasons and that's why every prayer doesn't come true. So I've lost the will to pray. Because I'm not sure if it's for the right reasons. God, I am such a bad catholic.

One of the wishes that I am so glad keeps on coming is the one, 'Please don't let my parents divorce.' My parents fight a lot, and sometimes I'm the cause of it. When ever I was the cause of it, I would hide in my room and start crying. I'd say between sobs that I'm sorry and please don't leave. Of course, they're too busy fighting to notice and my sister is too scared to say anything. Those nights were the nights that I'd open a notebook and write,
I'm sorry for not being good enough.
And almost leave the house. Of course, I'm too weak to do such a thing. If I can't leave my own house, let alone hurt myself intentionaly, suicide was definently out of the question.
I just hope that someday I'll look back on my life and think,
'Geez, I'm so glad I'm alive today.'

Writer's Block: Love This Artist

2008-02-04T05:46:53Z

Who is your favorite artist?

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Wait, when you say artist, a person who sings or a person who draws? Well, just to be safe I'll put both.
Singer-Three Days Grace, Linkin Park
Artist- Masashi Kishimoto, CLAMP, and Takaya Natuski

Birthday Party

2008-02-03T06:52:28Z

Hi People!

Today I went to a birthday party! It was okay. I'm not the best bowler in the world. (This is the first time in forever that I had bowled.) But everyone else were really good. It made me feel kind of bad. I mean, when you're being beat down upon every day, being told you're a loser and you'll never climb back up, being below in little things can kill you.
Then, my sister beat me in the first game. Little sister people! I almost started to cry. I've been so moody lately. Thankfully, I can keep all that moodiness inside. I only got spares while everyone else got at lease one strike! So sad. T_T
Later, my sister was bitchin' about how my Mom always took my side or something. God, would it kill you at least hold back a little of your anger? I mean I hold back at least 90% of my anger and it hasn't killed me yet, although it has resulted in a lot of moodiness. (But it wouldn't make a difference for her because she already is hell a moody.)

Today, at Japanese School I got an award for my poem.
It was about an ugly, weak cattepilar transforming into a beautiful, strong butterfly. When I wrote it, I was thinking about how I wished I could change that way. But I still feel hopeless.

You know, I've noticed in this society, now a days it doesn't matter if you tried. If you didn't do it, then you're a asshole. So people like me who spend most of their lives trying and failing are fucked by the assholes who can do stuff.

Speaking of assholes who can do stuff, there's one in my core. Every time he gets an assignment he's hypervenilating because he thinks he's going to fail. Then he gets an A- or something and he's all worried. Dude, I'd give a lot of stuff to get the grades you do. I'm getting B's most of the time. Don't start talking 'failing' to me.

I may sound like an angry ass hole, but the reason I sound like that is because I vent all my anger here.

Oh my gosh, I watched the episode Haku was in, made me cry so badly. My sister was watching and she was like, 'Why the hell are you crying?' Dude, if you don't cry watching that at least once, you either have issues or a cold heart. (My sister probably has issues. She may be bad, but she hasn't gotten the cold heart yet.)

All right, now have pity on me. I'm trying very hard to find a person I can tell everything about me to. A person who I don't have to pretend to be someone else in front of. And being a teenager doesn't help much either. And when at least 1/2 of your family is tearing you down, life seems a little hopeless. (LITTLE????) But I will try hard to live.

Writer's Block: My Own Creation

2008-02-03T06:32:05Z

If you could create anything artistic, what would it be?

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My own manga of course! I'm practicing every day so I can do it someday...
I would also like to be able to draw fanart. (I can never get motivated because I don't have a scanner so I can show you people...)

It's Not Easy Being A Shanahan

2008-02-02T06:16:54Z

Hello Peoplez!
I have updated my fanfics! God, I am like obsessed.
Anyway, during swimming I got really tired and started having the attack of the 'I'm not good enough's'
My Dad would always tell me, "It's not easy being a Shanahan." I had to live up to it. That has been my goal all my life, to live up to my family name.
Now you know what I'm talking about if you play sports. The coach first says 10 100's. Then when you're done he's like, "Oh yeah, do it one more time." That started me thinking things like,
"I don't want to kill myself." or "It's okay to give up."
Luckily, I can resist those temptations if I try hard enough. Eventually I got over it. But my low self-esteem doesn't change.

Yesterday, these bitches took one of my friends chair when she wasn't sitting in it at the cafeteria. My friend, being the tough girl, asked for it in a angry tone. She was all like,
"But you weren't using it." I wanted to tell that bitch,
"But now she is bitch so give her the fuckin' chair." Of course, being the one who talks mostly in their head rather than out loud,I didn't say anything. My friend got another chair but God I hate people like that.

Ok, my sister said something really interesting today. You see, my sister was always the more friendly one that made friends first. Big suprise, turns out that she only has 2 friends and most people hate her. I mean, everyone loved her at the place we were at before we moved. She acted like she didn't care but I could tell she was at least a little upset.
Me, on the other hand, had made a few very good friends. It took time, about 2 months, but I know have 3 very good friends that I trust. So, it really suprised me to know that my sister had 2 friends who she said were 'nice to her' while I had 3 that I said were 'very good friends.'

Today, I cut myself putting something into my backpack. "Ow, I cut myself." I said. The guy sitting in front of me turns to me and asks, "Are you emo?" Dude, I cut my finger on the freackin' binder when I was shoving it into my backpack! And who the hell would slit in the middle of class? (Uh....me? You might say this but I think it's crazy.)

I was really bored and tired so I watched that scene where Neji saves Tenten! Super cute! Anyone who didn't like this scene is such a sad soul! ^^

I have Japanese School and then a Birthday Party. I hope I have fun!

Roadkill

2008-02-01T07:35:36Z

Hello, since nothing happened today I'll tell you a story about what happened to be a couple months ago:
I was walking back from swimming and I saw a dead squirrel in the middle of the street. Most people would say something along the lines of,
"Ew." or,
"Poor Squirrel." Right?
Well I started to ask myself questios like, "Did anyone care that the squirrel was gone?" or "Was there anything that the squirrel still wanted to do before he died?" Then all of the sudden during my contemplating, I replaced the word 'squirrel' with me.
I had many times when I would cry in bed, thouroughly convinced that no one would care if I died. I would apologize quietly to my family for not being worthy of their love. Those times were coming back to me. I had parents who wanted perfect, but I didn't want it. So, the end result was this.
I saw the squirrel a couple of times for a few days, but eventually it dissapeared. A part of me was sad, knowing that his body probably wasn't getting the best treatment.
And that's how dead road kill affected my life.
If you're wondering, I don't care who reads this. Except people who know me well, they can't read this. (Strange eh?)
If you think I'm so weird, then leave. If you can understand this, then I have the feeling that I can trust you to read my innermost thoughts. But please don't try to tear me down. I get enough of that without people from the internet.

What Do You Have To Say? - An Artist Is...

2008-02-01T07:24:32Z

Do you consider yourself an artist?

Brought to you by HP

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No, I'm trying to become one. I doodle a lot and practice but I don't think I'm an artist quite yet.

People I Hate

2008-01-31T06:03:26Z

Today was an average day. I'm going to have my first playdate with someone over here today!!! This is a BIG deal because all the people I had playdates with so far are from my old school. Yup, I'm immature.
I was reading comments for 'Home' by Three Days Grace and it really pissed me off. There were these guys who were dissing 'emos'. God, they don't know anything. Emo people aren't emo because they woke up one day and they said, "Hey, I want to be Emo today!" No, it's not that way. For me, I couldn't reach out to anyone and that killed me. That made me emo. But everyone laughs when I even sugest I'm emo because I'm so good at covering it. Dude, didn't I sound like a happy person on the first paragraph? Yeah, I'm really good at keeping it all inside.
Also, I'm 1/2 japanese right? One of my friends like, "I don't like Japanese because they captured my Grandpa and he almost died under them." And also, someone else once told me, "I don't like Japanese because they bombed Pearl Harbor." Dude, this crap happened in the past. It's done, and does FORGIVE spark anything in your mind??? I told that 2nd smartass, "Well, I hate Americans because they bombed Hiroshima and Nagasaki." I didn't 100% mean it, but that sure shut him up so it was worth saying.
I hate people like that the most. The ones that can't throw away their past. It's so annoying. Get over it people!!!
And Japanese are smart now, they got America to agree to take care of them so they don't have to fight anymore. That was a pretty smart move, you've got to admit. Now, Japan is peaceful and they're doing there own thing.
Ameica, now america is a whole other thing. Iraq and the middle east is fighting, America uses 9/11 as an excuse to push themselves into their buisness. I hate people like that too. I'm upset, they start butting in trying to fix my problems for me, FUCKIN' GO AWAY!!!!
Okay, I put in way too much political stuff...
If you were offended I am very sorry. I have opinions and they can go really far some times...
But this is what I think so get over it. This is a journal, and you put your thought in and that's what I did.